If your workplace is rampant with gossip, it can make your job feel like hell.
When every conversation is littered with rumors and smack talk, it can be hard to feel a sense of safety, belonging, and camaraderie with your coworkers. Instead, you may find yourself constantly on edge, wondering who is talking behind your back.
I’ve worked in HR for two decades, so I’ve seen the damage that workplace gossip can inflict.
In this post, I'm here to provide you with actionable strategies to not just survive, but thrive, in a gossipy work environment.
The Negative Consequences of Workplace Gossip
Studies suggest that when a workplace is rife with gossip, it makes people feel excluded and it hurts the performance of the entire team.
Further, victims of gossip tend to be less productive, do fewer tasks that go above and beyond their job description, feel lower self-esteem, and experience a worse sense of belonging.
Ouch.
The bottom line?
If your workplace is gossipy, it’ll harm everyone’s mental health and make the team perform worse.
The first step to surviving a workplace of hushed whispers is to discern what is gossip and what isn’t.
How to Tell if It’s Gossip or Not
You might be wondering if your workplace is actually gossipy or if you’re making a mountain out of a molehill.
After all, 9 in 10 people regularly talk about others in conversation. So what counts as gossip versus innocently discussing another person?
Here are a few clear ways to tell if your workplace is indeed gossipy or if it’s just idle chatter.
It’s gossip when:
It involves negative comments or speculative talk about someone who isn’t present. And that person’s reputation or personal life is painted in a negative light.
For example: “Did you hear Sarah got passed over for the promotion? I heard it's because she's always leaving early. Probably can't handle the workload. Plus, I saw on her LinkedIn that she's been looking at other jobs..."
Private information is shared without permission. If you’re sharing news about a person’s life, when they’d prefer to be the one to tell people and to decide who they tell, then it’s probably gossip.
"Did you hear that Sam’s getting a divorce? They haven’t told anyone at work yet, but I found out through a friend."
If the person entered the conversation, it’d feel awkward. If the person being discussed wouldn’t appreciate how you were talking about them, then it’s probably gossip.
The conversation feels secretive and has hushed tones. It may be gossip if people are lowering their voices or choosing secretive places to talk about others.
There is a negative motivation behind the conversation. When people are gossipping, their intention is usually to harm someone’s reputation, boost their own status, or just get entertainment at someone else’s expense.
It feels either icky or strangely addictive. If you look back at a conversation and realize that participating in it made you feel guilty and out of integrity, then that might’ve been harmful gossip. Alternatively, gossip can also give you a high, where you feel like you’re giddily bonding at someone else’s expense.
There isn’t a constructive intent. Sometimes, venting about another person is necessary. But if your only topic of conversation is venting about others, and you never have any intention of moving forward constructively or clearing the air, then this might be gossip.
There’s no mathematical formula for what counts as gossip. But if you notice a lot of the conversations in your workplace hit the marks above, then you can safely assume that you are working in a cloud of gossip.
On the other hand, below are some types of conversations that may be adjacent to gossip but that are generally fine to have.
It’s not gossip when:
You’re talking about someone, but you wouldn’t mind if they walked into the room. That’s a good indicator that you’re not saying anything malicious or needly.
You’re speaking about a colleague, but the content is positive. Totally fine to tout a colleague behind their back, and talk about what you appreciate about them.
"I just have to say, working with Jane has been such a pleasure. She’s always so organized."
You’re speaking neutrally about a colleague behind their back. It’s also fine to share neutral, public news that isn’t private or personal.
“Did you hear Terry is changing departments?”
With those types of conversations, you’re in the clear.
But it’s not always that cut and dry. Below are a few gray areas where it’s not totally clear if it’s gossip or not.
Gossip gray areas:
You’re venting about one colleague to another. If you’ve gotten into a workplace conflict with a colleague or have some difficult emotions to work through, sometimes the best medicine is to talk through it with someone.
It’s often best if that someone doesn’t also work with you. But if they do, the main thing that distinguishes venting from gossip is intent.
Are you processing with the intent of finding more peace and clarity in yourself, or just to air frustrations about someone? Is this conversation in service of skillfully working through conflict with someone or just to besmirch their reputation?
That said, when venting at work, air on the side of caution; if you do it too much, it might still land you with a workplace gossip reputation.
You’re sharing intuitions about someone. Sometimes, it can be helpful to talk with a friend about someone you both know and share your perceptions of that person. It’s a way to reality-check your own views of a person to better understand them.
This can be a powerful way to bond with those who you deeply trust. But be careful when you get too speculative or negative.
Here’s a healthy version: “I've noticed Lin seems reserved in our team meetings, but they really open up in one-on-one conversations. I sometimes wonder if they might be more introverted. What has your experience working with them been like?"
Here’s the negative version: “Don't you think Lin is so weird in meetings? They barely talk, and then suddenly they have all these opinions in private. I bet they’re just trying to make everyone else look bad by holding back. Greg in accounting said..."
Here’s What to Do If Someone Tries to Hook You Into Gossip at Work
What should you do if someone starts gossiping with you, but you don’t want to partake?
This is tricky because even if you don’t gossip back, you’re technically encouraging their behavior by giving them a space to share. When you nod and smile, you give their gossip life, even if you don’t verbally add to it.
But if you don’t give the gossip the time of day, it will dry out.
Here are some tips on how to address gossip in the workplace:
Redirect the conversation
One easy way to deal with gossip is to change the subject. It’s effective and non-confrontational.
This can be as simple as saying any of the following:
By the way, have you tried that new coffee place around the corner?
Anyways, how’s your latest project going?
On another note, do you have any upcoming vacations you’re planning?
Random question: have you ever seen Stranger Things? I just started it, and it’s blowing my mind.
But if you’re talking with a gossip heavyweight, be prepared to use this tactic often. They might bring the subject back to spreading rumors every chance they get.
Be preoccupied
If someone is coming at you with disparaging comments about others, don’t give it the time of day.
Keep your eyes on your laptop. Or fix your attention on getting your Tupperware from the fridge. Take out your phone.
You know how when you’re trying to share something with someone, and they won’t give you attention, it becomes harder to share? Well, you can use that to your advantage to avoid positively rewarding the gossip behavior.
Compliment the target of the gossip
If you don’t want to spread negativity, why not spread positivity instead?
Appreciation can be the antidote to workplace gossip.
When the gossiper shares their first slander, you can kill their momentum by sprinkling some good vibes on the gossip.
For example:
They say: “Did you hear that Ali is changing departments? They probably can’t handle the pressure over here.”
You say: “Oh I hadn’t heard! I’ve always appreciated how enthusiastic and hardworking Ali is. The new department will be so lucky to have them.”
They say: “I heard Taylor has been taking extra long lunch breaks recently. I wonder what they’re really up to. Probably interviewing for other companies.”
You say: “I was really impressed with Taylor’s recent project. They’re really stepping up their game recently.”
They say: “Did you notice that Aubrey didn’t say a word in today’s meeting? Seems they’ve been acting distant lately. I heard they’ve got some personal drama going on."
You say: “You know, I’ve always been very impressed with Aubrey’s attention to detail. I wish I were as meticulous as they are.”
Don’t buy into the gossip frame. Don’t feed it. Be a killer of bad gossip by being positive and complimentary.
Set a soft boundary
Sometimes your best option is to be direct with how you feel about the gossip and then guide the conversation elsewhere.
You could say things like:
Hey, I’m noticing I don’t feel comfortable talking about Amy while she isn’t here. Do you mind if we talk about something else?
You know, I make it a personal rule not to speculate on other people’s motivations. But I'd love to hear about your new project.
I appreciate you keeping me in the loop, but I prefer hearing news like this directly from the source. How's your week going?
Set a hard boundary
Sometimes, subtlety won’t get your point across. If you feel like one (or multiple) of your coworkers constantly bombards you with gossip, you might have to set some firmer boundaries.
Make it very clear that you’re not willing to go there. This will also give you a reputation for being a non-gossiper. Once this reputation is set, people will bring gossip your way less and less often.
That said, to set a clear boundary like this, you have to be comfortable with some level of conflict. If that’s something you're able to do (or are willing to step into), then give this a shot.
Here are some lines to try:
You know, I’ve got to be upfront with you. I don’t feel comfortable gossiping about other people. I wouldn’t want other people talking about me like this. If you want to talk about how your life is going or about work projects, I’m totally game. But I don’t want to have conversations about others when they aren’t here.
I’m sorry, I need to pause the conversation for a sec. I understand you want to share this information, but I don’t feel comfortable participating in gossip. I'm happy to be a sounding board for your own challenges, but talking about others is off the table for me.
I want to address this clearly—when you share private information about our colleagues with me, it puts me in an uncomfortable position. I don’t want to know details about their lives that I’m not supposed to know. I'd prefer to keep our conversations focused on work or our own experiences.
Here’s What to Do if Your Manager Gossips to You
It’s one thing if your coworkers try to ensnare you in gossip. But it’s a lot more challenging when it’s coming from your manager. Here are some options for you.
Turn it into an opportunity to help
If your manager is badmouthing other employees, take this as your chance to be helpful.
Here’s your line:
“That sounds really frustrating. How can I help?”
You avoid the gossip, steer things in a positive direction, and show your willingness to contribute.
Share your discomfort
There’s a way to communicate your discomfort with gossip without shaming your manager or making them wrong.
If you can be open-hearted and nonjudgmental here, it’ll go a long way.
Just say something like, “I’m sorry if this comes off the wrong way, but I feel a little uncomfortable hearing about Amy when she’s not here. Do you mind if we talk about something else?”
Lead by example
Here’s a chance to kill the trail of gossip.
Don’t gossip about your gossipping boss!
Slamming someone’s reputation for being a gossip actually incriminates you in the same web of gossip.
If your boss really is a gossip, you don’t have to let others know. They probably already do!
How to Protect Yourself in a Gossippy Workplace
It’s a good start to avoid participating in gossip. But here are a few more tips on how to keep your wits if your workplace rumor mill is strong,
Avoid the toxic gossippers
If you know who tends to spread malicious gossip, steer clear of them.
You know where they want to direct the conversations. So the easiest thing to do is have no conversation at all.
It’s okay to be choosy about who you spend time with at work.
Choose your work friends wisely
Having companions in the workplace can be hugely beneficial for your well-being.
And sometimes, you need people to vent to. But be discerning. If someone seems a little untrustworthy or iffy, they may not keep your secrets tightly locked.
Also, be careful not to overshare with new acquaintances at work. If they haven’t earned your trust yet, don’t risk venting to them because they may well be a looselips.
Don’t give ammo out
If you do get caught in a conversation with a gossip who you don’t trust, then hold your cards close to your chest.
If you share your secrets, they won’t stay secret for long.
Hold onto your integrity
Everyone has a different line of what type of speech feels in-integrity to them.
But if you can suss out where your line is, and keep your actions in accordance to your values, then you’ll probably end each work day respecting yourself more and commanding more respect from your colleagues.
As the late Will Rogers humorously advised, “Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip.”
Hire a career coach
If you are in a seriously toxic work environment, it can help to have someone in your corner.
A career coach can help you strategize how to thrive in your workplace culture. And if you need to escape the gossip, a coach can help you plan how to move to a different company or career path that better fits your values and goals.
If you are interested in working with a career coach but don’t know where to start, check out the International Association of Career Coaches.
Strategies for When the Rumors Are About You
This is always a tough situation to be in. Someone gossips to you that others are talking about you behind your back.
There are a few routes to address this.
Put your head down
One option is to simply clock into work, ignore all gossip and silly antics, put your head down, do your work well, then clock out and go home.
Don’t pay attention to the gossip. Don’t engage. Just clock in and clock out.
This works well, but it can cut you off from other nourishing social ties at work.
Approach the gossip head-on
This route will require some willingness to step into confrontation. But it can set things straight and earn you a reputation of respect.
Here’s what to do.
Let’s say Casey approaches you at lunch and says, “Noah told me they think you’ve been slacking a bit on this project.”
First, when you receive gossip about yourself, let it be known that you’ll clear the air with the other person.
Let Casey know that you’re going to confront Noah. Say something like, “Ok, thanks for sharing this. I’m going to have a conversation with Noah today about this. I’ll keep your name out of it, but there’s a chance Noah will realize it was you who told me.”
When people know that you’ll seek to clarify situations directly, they may think twice about looping you into their gossip games.
Next, when you approach the person who was gossipping about you, look for honest feedback.
In this case, that means starting a conversation with Noah.
You could say something like, “I heard from the grapevine that you believe I should be working harder on our project. Whether or not you said that, I’m not mad at you, but I would love some constructive feedback. I’m always trying to do better at my job; if there is something you think I could improve, I’d genuinely love to know.”
This level of genuineness and directness may very well disarm the other person and encourage them to meet you in this frame of honest feedback.
Be careful not to engage in a shame and blame game. Just look for clear feedback. Get to the heart of the matter, and set the record that you want to know how to do better.
Finally, let them know that you prefer direct communication over gossip.
You could try something like, “Thanks for being so open with this feedback Noah. In the future, if you have feedback, can you make sure that I’m the first to hear it? And I’ll do the same for you.”
Get support from your manager
It may be helpful to see if there’s a kernel of truth in rumors floating around.
And if you don’t feel comfortable confronting the gossipper, your manager can be your reality checker.
Say something like, “I’ve heard some feedback indirectly about my work, and I want to improve if there’s something I should address. What do you think?”
This shows your manager that you are proactive about improving. It also helps you see if there’s any truth in the gossip. And it will build trust and rapport with your manager.
Is It Ever Okay for You to Gossip at Work?
Is gossip always bad?
Well, first remember that there is neutral gossip, negative gossip, and positive gossip.
It’s definitely fine to speak highly of a coworker when they’re not present or share non-private news about them.
But what about speaking ill of someone when they’re not present?
Let’s look at some science to get an idea.
What is the function of gossip?
Psychologists believe that gossip emerged thousands of years ago in hunter-gatherer tribes. They believe gossip served a key function in helping people understand who they could trust and who they couldn’t.
Gossip helped people know who might betray them, who was dependable, and which families had resources and healthy offspring.
Fast forward to today, and we can see that there is a way in which gossip helps regulate people’s behavior and holds them accountable.
For example, if somebody stole a coworker’s laptop, wouldn’t you want the whole office to know?
While the question of whether to gossip or not to gossip isn’t a science, there are a few useful heuristics you can use to help you discern when it’s the right thing to do.
Notice how your body feels when you gossip
When talking about someone who isn’t there, if your body feels contracted and tense, then that could be a sign that you’re doing something you don’t think is right.
If, on the other hand, you’re talking about someone and your body feels open and relaxed, then that may be a sign that you feel okay about the conversation you’re having.
Ask yourself why you’re gossipping
Before you talk about someone who isn’t present, pause and ask yourself why you want to do so.
Clarifying your motivation for gossipping can help you figure out if it’s something you want to do or not.
It’s probably fair to give a green light to the following motivations for gossipping:
Somebody did something unethical or harmful, and you want others to know so they can protect themselves
You have complicated feelings about someone and need help talking through your emotions so that you can clear the air
You have a desire to better understand someone, and you think another’s perspective could help
But if any of the following are your motivations for talking about someone, it might be best to think twice:
You feel excited by starting drama and chaos
You have an unresolved conflict with someone, and you are gossipping about them to release your frustration instead of talking and working out the conflict directly
You are badmouthing someone else to make yourself feel superior
You are gossiping simply out of habit
Gossipping could get you in trouble
It’s also worth noting that your employer could write you up and possibly fire you for gossiping.
In some cases, company policy provides guidelines about the company's reputation, and gossiping could create a violation.
It could also result in a write-up if gossip is creating a negative work environment and is creating hostility for your coworker. Check out your employee handbook for a formal policy on gossip.
Be especially careful if you’re discussing topics touching on legal boundaries, confidentiality agreements, or using derogatory language.
Get Support to Escape the Workplace Gossip
I’ll be honest with you—working in a gossipy workplace can be difficult.
Gossip can create a toxic environment that’ll suck the life and morale right out of you.
But if you are willing to stick to your values and set boundaries when you need to, then you can get through this.
Alternatively, if you need to get out of this job or rethink your career path entirely, I’d encourage you to reach out to a career coach.
For many, it’s the best career decision they ever made.
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